Oh High Plains Drifter *Edited*

The imagery in this poem is epic. End of sentence. Major props for that. I love, love the first stanza. It flows wonderfully and makes me think of something Whitman might write.

So the nit picks I have, for the most part, are tiny ones. My biggest complain about the whole thing I can't explain well with examples but can only explain as such: slim it. Thin it down. Get rid of words you don't need and make it as solid with as few as possible. Use your best words and throw away the useless ones. I can give you a bit of example, but for the most part this suggestion can be used on any and every line.

while the coyotes find your bones fit to chew in the dark

almost like you, but without all the years,

Did you show idle mercy to a beggar,
a bit of coin or a bite of food?

Or did you pass along your way in silence cold,
a distant man in the empty spaces; where people seldom trod.

over the mountains and the rivers-
the rivers you follow to some distant sea.
But is the ocean meant for you, oh gunslinger?
You deal in lead and death; they shall deal with you.

And where shall death find thee, oh high plains drifter,
when at last a bullet finds itself in your back? < Excellent first lines, they hooked me in and are beautiful at the same time.
Killed by a coward, not a man fit to fight, < I am, admittedly, a fan of dashes/hyphens while others may not be. All the same, I’d suggest that you use a hyphen instead of a comma after “coward”, it gives more impact than you have right now, and I think that impact would be helpful.
he'll put an end to your wandering ways. < This line is perfect for your setting, both in tone and word usage. I’m quite enamoured with it.
Your horse will ride on till the saddle rots off,
and it shall find its own freedom, < I’m not sure I like this line at all. It’s too short in terms of syllables, considering your other lines, and it has less purpose. Yes, the horse is connected to the rider but it’s much less important than you’ve made it here. I like the idea of it, but I’d suggest tinkering with the line, although I’m not entirely sure what you could include in here instead. Actually! Consider deleting the line all together, it’s not necessary if you don’t really like it, and the shorter feeling works well.
while the coyotes will find your bones fit to chew.

This is the way of your breed, oh nameless man. < I don’t mind this line so much, but it also doesn’t do anything for me. It’s a line that merely exists, if that makes sense? Yes, it’s clearly a comment on humans, or perhaps on drifters, but it feels a little too political in this way. It makes the poem into a comment on, rather than just a poem. This may be a personal bias, I tend to write without purpose or intention. So this is just a line to consider tinkering with.
Death shall find you alone on the cold high plains.
Perhaps come sweet spring flowers shall grow near, < Lose the comma here.
and mark the place where your travels ceased.
But more likely, another shall come along,
almost like you were, but without all the years, < I’d lose the “were” here, saying “without all the years” suggests the past well enough to push your point.
and from atop his horse, think it all unremarkable.

Am not much of a poet but i think you did a great job with your story making it a poem.
But i must add that your words at the start
"And where shall death find you"
indicates a continuation of a conversation between the poet and the "high plain drifter".
It would have been more constructive if it just started with...
"Where will death find you".
Next time try to be more rythmatic its the flavour in poetry.
Keep the poems coming we need it sometimes to sleep.

Connie,

Now this is much, much, much better then your other poem. I really did enjoy this one. The image you created was just lovely.

Now, there are larger issues that surround your poem.

As June said, you have the potential. Your really do. You just aren't reaching down deep enough. Your poems are lovely, but they have an underlying potential that could step them up a level. You shouldn't be afraid to let that out. You will either screw up or create a brilliant piece. No going around that.But it can probably be the most rewarding experience for you to grow and develop your poems. Right now you're stuck in the middle, get out of the middle!

And poetic Language! Swallow up the information you read around this site or in articles. It really can be your lifeline in poetry.

Keep it up.

Kamas

Good day, Conrado,

I like this poem a lot. Your narrative style does well here, but I would recommend trimming any and every excess words that you can eliminate, because any word drags a poem. The less words, the better, but the more weight you can put it, the better the excellence.


See here:

he'll put an end to your wandering ways.

This is the way of your breed, oh nameless man.